You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Randomize
