my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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