he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
