he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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