I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
I think my vagina is haunted
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Randomize
