A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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