Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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