i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
