Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
