I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
