you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Randomize
