I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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