I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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