My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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