my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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