I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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