Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Randomize
