i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
