PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
My bed smells like the plague
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
