I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Randomize
