U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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