whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Randomize
