it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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