How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
