I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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