Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
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