i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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