I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
