just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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