I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Randomize