I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
