I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
