no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
