wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
