Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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