but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
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