just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
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