If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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