I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
why would she put his p in her m after it was in her a? that's gross
its gross she let him put his p in her a nevermind his p in her m after p in her v. cleaning up is necessary
i put my m on your v after my p was in your v. no big deal
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Randomize
