Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
