who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
