we're blogging at a bar
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
