My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
