maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
A bitchslap is in order.
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