I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Randomize
