I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
