What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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