Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
