sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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