just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Randomize
