Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
