The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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