Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
