happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
