my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
