First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
