Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
