New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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