the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Randomize
