Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
