he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Randomize
