If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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