he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
