I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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