If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
