i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Piatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
